COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
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There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Yes my dude
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth