My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
we all know this pain all too well