“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
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nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
relationship goals
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
presenting your incognito window wrapped
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.