[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.