*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment