Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist