Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go