5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
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Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild