Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
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Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.