According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
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Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill