I laughed at this way too hard.
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What fresh Hell is this?!?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.