zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
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Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Bed should get ready for ME
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said