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No-one: I can hear screaming
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
💯😂
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
mom gave me mine for free
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.