prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
You Might Also Like
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.