🙅🏻
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convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.