I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
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Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My dating profile:
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Tik Tok is a national treasure.