PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”