{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
You Might Also Like
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
🙅🏻
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”