[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS