I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
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dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Have kids, they said
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”