me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Aaaa…CHOO!
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape