Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
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Which wines pair best with gloating?
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
my dad has had enough
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.