Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.