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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
They’re not wrong
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent