When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
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If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
How software testing works
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.