No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
#ParentingFacts
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell