British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
You Might Also Like
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.