Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
being a writer on Twitter:
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.