A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio