I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.