Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice