*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
They grow up so quick
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Cha-ching is my safe word
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.