Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
This is hilarious….
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that