Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I think we should hear other voices.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I hate everything
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.