As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes