Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
There’s only one good girl here!
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce