To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
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Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on