[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
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I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers