78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Pat is about to own someone
We’re all getting idioter.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
? 💀
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
i baked you a cake
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.