I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
馃悥馃惙
馃惤
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I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
(team meeting)
boss: i鈥檝e always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to鈥xcuse me but what鈥檚 with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah鈥ince we dropped the mask mandate, it鈥檚 difficult to remember that my face isn鈥檛 covered.
boss:
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
It鈥檚 hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What鈥檚 your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven鈥檛 baked it yet.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.