HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …