my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
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ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop