I hope your spoon slides into your soup
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I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?