The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
You Might Also Like
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I think I’ll stand
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.