They’re on their honeymoon
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer