My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
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My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
synchronized noseblowing
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT