the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*