Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
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[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
so i’m at the stock market right
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.