Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
<- sleeps well with others
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Human are so complicated