I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
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“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.